Following up from my last blog, I want to share the second part of my random thoughts about kindness.
Last week’s post focused on kindness outwards, but equally (if not more) important, is kindness inwards. Being kind to oneself is not always easy, and takes different forms. I’m going to share my thoughts on this, but please take it all with a grain of salt. This is only what I know based on my experience in this life.
I truly believe that kindness to oneself is like a diamond - multi-faceted - and we need to take the face we need in any given moment. The one thing that remains constant is the need to see ourselves objectively, name our present situation for what it is, and be truly honest with ourselves. In the moment when we decide what kindness we need to give ourselves, it has to be from a place of love for ourselves and not from a place of distorted reality or denial. For example, I have a way of knowing what I need most but "thinking" myself into never doing it. I have a way of rationalizing myself into denial about my deepest needs.
We can be unusually cruel to ourselves. We beat ourselves up for the way we look, not getting up earlier to get more done, not being a patient parent, not exercising enough, not phoning our parents often enough, eating too much, not eating healthy enough, not being “strong” in the face of hardship. The list is neverending, depending on your situation. Being kind to ourselves takes a strong set of boundaries, and a willingness to do the thing you need to do, and not the thing you THINK.
1. Expectations
I have an overactive mind, always thinking and re-evaluating, to the point that my thinking can spiral down and paralyze me in inaction. I am incredibly harsh on myself, setting many high expectations on how I act and what I do daily. I’m constantly fighting the desire to do it all, and do it all very well (let’s remember that “do it well” has no definition, making it a slippery expectation).
Case and point, it took me two years to iron out a solid morning routine, because I “decided” I need to get up, meditate, journal, work out (which is never less than 1 hr 15min), shower, eat breakfast and get to work by 8am. This turned out to be impossible unless I got up at 4am - which is equally impossible for my body if I go to bed at 10 or 11pm. So most mornings I’d feel like a failure, and beat myself up for not getting the work out in, or not meditating, or you name it.
Another example: I decided this year that I was going to make 150 Christmas Cards because I wanted to give them to all my co-workers, friends and family. I decided that I'd make a hand-painted, hand crafted design that literally took me 6-10 minutes per card….I clearly didn’t do the math on this goal before I started. When I got to 50 cards, I realized that I wouldn’t be done in time, which of course left me feeling like I had failed people (who never asked for these cards, nor for them to be hand made).
I’ve realized that I need to be realistic and kind to myself. First of all, are all those things important? The answer is yes, and no. Yes my routine is important in setting me up mentally and physically for my day. And GIVING people cards was important for me to show them I appreciated them. But but the routine doesn’t have to be EVERY day, and my cards did not have to be handmade hand painted overkill cards. *sigh*.
Managing my own expectations and setting kinder ones for myself is a big challenge for me- one that I rely on help from close friends and family to keep on top of.
2. Body Image
I’m sure we can all agree about needing to be kinder to ourselves about the way we look. I do admit I’ve gotten a little less critical over the years of myself, and I’ve also gotten better at enjoying experiences in the moment rather than worrying about how my body looks. However, I’m still a work in progress and this one is always hard over the holidays - especially when I love chocolate, wine, and delicious rich food in general. But I ALWAYS beat myself up about it. Yo-yo diet and new year's resolutions anyone?
This one is easy to point out for others, but we rarely police our inner monologue. Being kind to yourself requires an awareness of hieeeee thoughts, and the ability to distance your perceptions from them.
3. Body Care
Ah my favorite. Taking care of your physical body. This level of kindness requires an acute awareness of your current situation, and also a willingness to admit your bad habits. For most people, its actually turning off the phone and going to bed at 10pm, to get 7-9 hours of sleep. And, its drinking water instead of coffee. Some people need to be told to stop exercising hard 6 days a week and take a few days for low intensity activity that brings the cortisol levels down.
But if I'm being honest, most people need to actually MOVE more. Americans are the most sedentary people on the planet, and us Canadians are not far behind. We drive to work, sit at a desk, drive home, drive to the store (or if you're me you drive to the gym....), then drive home and sit on the couch. This is absolutely absurd and not kind to our bodies. Kindness is taking care of the beautiful body that carries you around all day. It's walking, it's stretching, it's moving. It's being honest about what's good for you, not always what's comfortable.
Kindness to oneself is clearly not easy, and is changing depending on what stresses we are facing and what situation we are in. But keep in mind the three basics things I've described as a start:
1. Develop a better sense of self awareness. Be honest, and ask close friends for honest feedback on your own perception of what you need. This is number one- otherwise every other decision is made from a place of denial.
2. Set kind expectations of yourself. I especially say this to working mothers- who tend to expect to be everything to everyone. Don't set yourself up for failure in your own eyes.
3. Give your body what it really needs. Sleep more. Drink water. Move daily. Sweat 3-4 times each week. These are basic foundations to our health but honestly- they are thrown by the wayside when we're stressed, which causes a spiral of impacts including weight gain, fatigue, emotional distress, stomach pain, etc.
Be more kind to yourself and see what happens to you, and those around you. Your own transformation will inspire and spread to those around you and amazing things will start happening.
xoxo,
Leigh