It's been just over three years since my back injury (omg, does time fly), and I wrote a first blog regarding my personal struggle with healing about a year and a half ago (You can re-read it here). Reading it reminds me of how incredibly difficult that time was for me. It shines through and I was afraid to be honest about my struggle, because I hated how sad I was. I had very real fears that it would never improve, that I would never again be able to hike, run, surf, let alone lift weights or even do anything physical without pain. I remember having months of feeling no improvement, and having very little hope and belief that things would change. The ups and downs were endless, when I had hope and a good attitude, it would be equally opposed a day or two later with sadness, frustration and depression. I mourned the loss of control I had over my body and fitness. I mourned my perceived future "fit" self. I mourned the loss of years of hard work to get to a place where I finally confidence about my body. I also struggled with the duality of knowing that there were people in way worse situations. How could I complain if I could still work, and move around? How do you characterize your own experience, and be authentic about it, while not being someone who is depressing, lacking hope, and just plain complain-y?
Fast forward to today. Its unbelievable for me to be able to notice improvement in certain daily activities: It doesn't cause severe pain to drive to work everyday, I can sleep through the night, and rolling over hurts much less. I can actually bend over to tie shoes (except in the mornings, haha). I can hike, swim, and do some cardio, as long as I stretch a lot afterwards. It's still a process, but the things that every person take for granted are now possible with much less pain. When I compare how I feel now, to how I felt then, it feels like a miracle. I
The point to my story is that no matter what someone tells you about healing and how much you think you know, it takes you going through the shits to really "get" what you need to "get". The learning and growth is a painful process, that only you can experience in order to come out the other side. It's also a reminder that we can never judge someone else's journey. That being said, there are some things you can do to help get through this struggle:
1. Believe that change is possible. Remind yourself (daily if necessary) that this won't happen overnight, and that making small choices in the right direction WILL make an impact. However slow it may seem, do not quit, or lose hope (it only makes it worse).
2. Focus on learning. Remember that tremendous growth happens through struggle, if we are willing to accept that growth. There is something to learn that will benefit you. Find out what that is, instead of focusing on the hardships. This also acts as a distraction, which is welcome from those unhelpful thoughts ;)
3. Be honest, and reach out for help. Its OK to admit that things are hard and that you aren't necessarily ok. You will be amazed at the support of others, and you might find people who have gone through it.
4. Take care. Really, really listen to your body. Stress and pain make things worse. Eat well, sleep, pamper yourself. This struggle is temporary, so give yourself the love you need to get through the rough stuff. Cling to the wisdom that a day, a month, a year, or two, is NOT forever.
5. Celebrate. Actually though. I celebrated when I could roll over in bed without pain. I told everyone the morning I bent over with out having to lie on my back. I will share with EVERYONE the day that I sneeze and it doesn't invoke a cringe-face. And you will know the first time I'm able to run because I'll be running like Phoebe through the park (if you don't get this reference, you are too young). Celebrate because this is progress in the right direction.
My hope here is that this helps someone, in some way. And thank you to everyone who continues to support me, and continues to give me such love and patience through this journey. Thank you :)
xoxo,
Leigh